More from the email forwards. If you’ve never been to or lived in Las Vegas, it may not mean much to you, but I’ll bet you could write your own rules for wherever you live. Since we lived in Vegas for 9 hot summers, I can verify this one. Thanks to Bob in Las Vegas for sending it along to remind me the drivers here aren’t any worse than anywhere else.
1. First, it’s pronounced LOSS-VAYGUS. It doesn’t matter how they say it in other places. And its NEV ADDA not NEV AH DA. . .Get over it!
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has its own set of traffic rules. There’s no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.
3. All directions start with, “Go down 95…’cause you don’t want to get on I-15.”
4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston Blvd, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.
5. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive.”
6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 11:30am to 10:15 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends sometime late Sunday night.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a “pumpkin-orange” hue.
8. For the most part, you can do anything you want, as long as it isn’t in a school zone.
9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Boulevard, Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Desert Inn is Lamb Blvd., Spring Mountain and Sands and Twain are all the same street. And don’t forget that Ft. Apache turns into Rampart and then turns into Durango. Don’t try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
10. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE “parallel” streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask your middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it.
11. Rainbow Boulevard has THREE exits from the 95; this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead “Drive” and a Lake Mead “Boulevard” and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. You have to be specific when you say “the corner of Lake Mead and _ _ _ _ _” Again, this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.
12. Many major roads just end abruptly in somebody’s garage, a Home Depot, a Casino or McCarran International Airport Runways and start again after the interruption. That was done to encourage you to “see the sights” and meet new people. For fun, just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.
13. If moisture at hand is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.
14. Once a year, when it rains, the Las Vegas wash and the City of Las Vegas are one.
15. The wind blows every day, and it is impossible to live in Las Vegas without some kind of allergy drug.
16. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. They actually move the construction cones every night to make the next days drive a bit more exciting for you. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it!
17. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd. if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie “Top Gun.”
18. And, yes, we all know that man in a teddy and a tiara on Fremont Street. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.
19. And always remember, when driving in Las Vegas in the summertime, it is a good idea to wear pot holders on your hands!
I love this set of directions. Did you have a good trip?
I’m way behind! But this made me laugh aloud, especially numbers 3 and 8. Excellent.