Well I passed the Beatle’s milestone of 64 a whole year ago now, and every now and then I actually stare back at the face in my mirror (who certainly doesn’t look like me) and wonder if Hubby knew “back then” what I’d look like all these years later, would he still choose me? Not only do I not look the same, I’m not as nice and sweet as I used to be.

For one thing, I have more time to read and more time to think about real and supposed injustices in the world, and I’m far likelier to make my opinions known. Of course an article about a few politically incorrect truths reported in Psychology Today would catch my eye and get me thinking. Oh, the things you can learn as you surf the Internet!

It seems that you can determine the level of genuine interest in humans by noting how large or how small the pupils are as they view a given subject. For instance, the pupils of women and infants (but not men) spontaneously get larger when they see babies. That indicates an honest interest and attraction . . . and blah blah blah blah. Knowing that fact then, I’m pretty sure that when I look at a picture of a rattlesnake my pupils will retract.

The article goes on to explain how this might account for the widely held assumption that men are attracted by blue-eyed women. It’s simply easier for them to see whether the blue-eyed woman is “interested back” if/when her pupils dilate. So that’s how Hubby chose me, I thought. He could see how dilated my eyes were when we met 40 years ago.

Suddenly I heard the Beattles singing “when I’m 64” in my head. Ah ha! Thinks me! I’ve lived with this man for nearly 40 years now, and since he’s not one to hand out compliments or assure me he hasn’t changed his mind after all these years (heck, I’m still trying to get him to walk beside me, not in front of me, when we go out), I should be able to tell if I’m attractive to him, now that I’m a whole year past 64. Or is he just sticking around for lack of better choices? “Yo!” I called, and he turns around to look at me. These are the eyes I see. Can you see any pupils?

Well of course it makes sense. If eyes are brown, pupils won’t show up even if they are there. So I may never know for sure if he’s just being loyal because that’s the way he is, or if he’s still here because divorce is too much trouble at our age. Back to the article then, where I learn there’s hope and then some. (Remember, this is an article about politically incorrect truths.) Here’s a quote from the article:

“The irony is that none of the above is true any longer. Through face-lifts, wigs, liposuction, surgical breast augmentation, hair dye, and color contact lenses, any woman, regardless of age, can have many of the key features that define ideal female beauty. And men fall for them. Men can cognitively understand that many blond women with firm, large breasts are not actually 15 years old, but they still find them attractive because their evolved psychological mechanisms are fooled by modern inventions that did not exist in the ancestral environment.”

It looks like the expedient thing to do then is to begin to work on me. Since I already fudge my hair color through an expensive colorist and stylist that sex up my hair every 12 and 6 weeks respectively, I’ll just begin with an eyelid lift so that my lids no longer hang down into my pupils ↓

(see what I mean?) and breast augmentation (or maybe I could get by with a few pairs of socks stuffed in my bra since that’d be cheaper). Luckily I have genes that don’t run so much to fat, so I don’t need liposuction. My eyes are already greenish-blue, so no contacts; they don’t work well in multi-focal anyhow. And if I’m diligent about my makeover, in a few months I’ll not only be confident of keeping Hubby’s brown eyes dilated even if I can’t tell, I should be able to drive all the geezers crazy. Won’t that be fun?

Are there any ladies at or past 60 out there who would care to join me in plastic surgery? We’ll drive ’em crazy one way or the other.